Important: music therapy is a vaktherapie, not clinical care. Our practitioners are not BIG-registered. For complicated grief with depressive symptoms, suicidal thoughts or prolonged dropout, your GP or the GGZ is the first step. Music therapy can be a valuable addition within such a trajectory.
Three months after my grandfather died I still couldn't talk about him without getting stuck. Not because I had nothing to say, but because everything I said fell short. "It was special." "He was kind." Too small. Too flat. Not what it was.
One evening I put on a song he often played. Within three beats I was crying. Not from the lyrics — I didn't even know them. It was the space the song opened, a space language couldn't make.
That — in one moment — is why music therapy works for grief. Here's how.
Why grief is so hard to put into words
Grief isn't a thought. It's a bodily experience that shows up in sleep, appetite, heart rate, muscle tension and a tiredness no weekend can fix. You know what you've lost, but the experience of the loss doesn't sit in the language centres.
Research (e.g. Mary-Frances O'Connor, The Grieving Brain) shows grief activates areas tied to presence and connection — not logic. That's why people after loss often dream of the deceased, or hear their voice, or have a physical sense the person "is somewhere still". The brain slowly processes that the connection has stopped.
Talking about grief works partially: you can describe facts, name emotions, but the deep missing stays behind a wall words don't always break.
What music does differently
Music activates the same brain regions where grief plays out — emotion, memory, body recognition, connection. So music can open the space language doesn't reach.
Concretely, in four ways:
1Music carries memory
A song the deceased loved, or that's tied to a specific period, brings back memories at a bodily level. Not as photos you look at, but as experience you re-feel.
In therapy we use this deliberately: by listening together to songs from the life of the person who died, moments of presence arise. Not avoidance, not "moving on", but brief contact with what was.
2Music gives form to what has none
A song has a beginning, middle, and end. It holds the listener inside that structure. For someone whose inner world is chaotic and shapeless, that structure is temporary footing.
Sometimes I ask clients: pick a song that sounds like your grief feels right now. Doesn't have to be sad — sometimes it's something angry, dissonant, silent. The choice itself is processing.
3Music lets the body cry
Many grieving people can't cry, or no longer can. The body is locked. Music bypasses the lock — not always, but more often than talking does. Tears that were stuck can come back through a few minutes of music.
Not because crying is required. But for those who feel the tears are there but can't come out, music can open a path.
4Making music together breaks isolation
Grief makes you lonely. Not because people aren't there, but because no one understands what you feel. In music therapy you can make something together — an improvisation, a song about the deceased, a rhythm that fits how you feel.
That shared activity creates connection that doesn't have to go through words. For people exhausted by explaining, that's relief.
What does grief therapy with music look like?
A few examples:
- Musical lifeline of the deceased — gathering songs from different phases of their life.
- Songwriting — a song (lyrics, melody, or both) addressed to or about the deceased.
- Improvising on loss — using instruments to express what's present right now, without it having to sound good.
- Conscious listening to existing music followed by a conversation about what came up.
- A grief ritual with music — for a funeral, an annual remembrance, or a personal goodbye.
A trajectory typically runs 8–15 sessions, sometimes longer. Some people return around birthdays or death anniversaries — what we call an "anchor session".
Who is this for?
- People who notice talking about their grief stalls or doesn't go deep enough.
- People with complicated grief (over a year, no improvement).
- People who experienced early-life loss and return to it later.
- People grieving someone with whom the relationship was complex.
- People grieving something other than a person — a home, health, a child that didn't come, an identity.
What it doesn't replace
For complicated grief with depressive symptoms, suicidal thoughts or prolonged dropout, working alongside a psychologist or GP is often needed. Music therapy is a strong addition then, not a replacement.
Start small
Want to dip a toe in? Two things you can do today:
- Make a playlist of songs associated with the person (or the loss). Listen once a week, alone, and see what it does.
- Book an introduction with a music therapist — a low-threshold way to see if it fits.
On Gedachten Makelaar you'll find specialised music therapists — available now, even for a single conversation.